Fields

God gave me another quick vision tonight. We have fields of wild plants at our house. 10 acres we have let grow wild because we like the painting that our land is. If you look at the fields you'll see grasses, natural flowers, and wild trees. But when you get close enough, like I do when I mow, I see and feel the thorns. You wouldn't notice them if you just come and visit. But I know them. They are on my land. I know where they are and could point them out to you. Aren't our lives the same?

Those that know me casually see the polished me. The pretty fields and wild land. But when you really know me, when you really walk the paths of me, you will see the thorns. If you live with me, you've probably been stuck with a thorn or two. Sorry Kristen. That thorn of selfishness has stuck the ones I love more than a few times.

So what does God see? He showed me that he sees a field in me that is full of good plants and soil. He sees hope and possibility in my fields. He reminded me and asked me to join him in running through fields of what he plants. See my own thorns are there because of my heart. I have allowed them to take root in me and crowd out the "beauty" that God calls Jay. They come from my heart. (Mark 7:18-23) My heart is good. It was designed by a perfect God. But we all let thorns sneak in and crowd out God. Some of my thorns are selfishness and materialism. These are the thorns that crowd out the fields that God plants. What are yours? I see the possibility of fields of Jay that God sees and I yearn for them. In my deepest places of me, I yearn for fields to run in that are beautiful.

Selfishness. What an ugly, hurtful thorn. But through a song by Kim Walker, I have seen that my selfishness runs deeper than manipulating people to make life comfortable for me. It has prevented me from wholly giving God what he deserves- my complete love. I have kept my love for him to myself. I have horded what he deserves and is his. How? By keeping my thorns to myself. By believing the lies of the world about what matters in life. By being content to let other people tell me about God and not fully seeking him myself. By measuring my life compared to other Christ followers around me. My God deserves my full unblemished pursuit of Him.

Materialism. Another ugly thorn. But this thorn is unique. It's full of lies from hell itself. It promises satisfaction and never pays out. It promises that this purchase will fill the void. It will meet the need. It never does. This thorn has developed in me over time. And I am so good at justifying the purchases. I even save for them and sell things so I can get them. They are a high for me. The process of the hunt for the perfect purchase, the waiting of the arrival in the mail or by UPS. It's all a high that fades as soon as I open the purchase and set it aside. Then I'm off to the next fix. I know many can't relate to my thorn here, but it is my thorn. It is choking out God. It is replacing the temporal with the eternal in my life. It hurts to be this honest but I do it for no one but myself. And it feels good to call it what it is. An ugly choking thorn...

Jesus, I want to be whole. I know that won't come fully until I am in my forever with you. But I know there is more to this life than the temporal things that are choking me. Make me whole God. Open my eyes so I can see fully who you are. So I can know you as deeply as possible this side of forever. I believe I am just scratching the surface of knowing you Jesus. It excites me to know I can run freely with you in all your depth. This is what you want. I know this with all the truth I can muster in me. So here I am. A garden to be weeded. A field to be de-thorned. Here I am. All of me. Open to your love. Open to your hope for me...

Burns right through me...

Tonight I have realized I want more... This whole big God I serve is bigger and has more to fill in me. I have filled myself with things that will be burn right through me. How about a God taht does the same? How about knowing my God so well that his words burn in me? As I was mowing and praising Him, I knew that I needed more of Him. I want more of you Jesus. I lust for you. I have to pursue you with all of me. So weed away Lord. Burn away the stuff in my heart that takes your place. That takes up the space that you alone can fill and is rightly yours. My heart belongs to jesus and I will not settle for less than Him having all of it. I see this as a turning point. A new fork in the road that leads to what i want to become.. to who i want to become...

So many changes happening now... But all good. For God is chasing me. I feel Him calling me to holiness. To purity. To lust only for Him. I realize that this journey is my own. Me. Him. Us. God, take me to places that satisfy my heart. Take me away from places and things that burn right through me. I want your fire. Your passion. Your glory revealed in me to the max. I choose this path with you because I know it fills me.

Soil

I guess from the time I heard the parable about the different kinds of soil in Mark 4, I assumed I was the good soil. Why wouldn't I be right? I grew up in church and did the stuff that good soil does. I believed this until I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I ran face first into a retaining wall. Ouch! That hurts. Chan said ( and I paraphrase because the book is downstairs and I'm too comfortable lying in my bed to go get it) ..." Don't assume you are the good soil". What? Heresy I say. His book reading audience are the good soil if anyone is.

But then I decided to check the parable out for myself. Of course Jesus didn't explain this parable to the people, he wanted the sincere seekers to think about it, chew on it, swish it around in their mouths a little. So how do we cheaters get the meaning? Well, kind of like the disciples did. They asked Jesus to explain it. No time to chew I guess. He told them. We read what he said. So I'm reading what good soil is according to Jesus and to confirm my status in the "Good Soil" club. It says good soil produces a crop 30-100x what has been planted. But that's not what got me. What got me is Jesus description in Mark 4:18. It talks about the seed that fell among the thorns. These people hear the message but all too quickly it's crowded out by the " worries of this life, the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things so that no fruit is produced".

Was Jesus talking about Americans? We hear, maybe even believe, are quick to stand up for Christianity if pressed or asked by people we want to impress but that's not the point. The point is we love thorns. I want God and thorns. I want my stuff and I don't see it crowding out who I could be-good soil/seed.

Ok, before anyone who reads this tries to soothe me by saying I am god soil let me be convicted a little. Yes, I believe most of me is filled with good soil but I want to think about what kind of soil I could be. Can I be free from American Consumerism and gluttony? Can I have less in my life that crowds out Jesus? Is this what I want? Yes. Am I loved by a forgiving God who knows my every speck of dirt and continues to call me his own? Yes. So I will live in a world that questions my soil condition. I will do periodic soil tests. I will take doses of weed killer to stop the thorns from crowding out Jesus in me. I will fertilize this patch of turf called my life with God's message to me and his spirit's voice.

So I will not assume I am good soil anymore. I will test myself to see what nutrients are in me and what thorns need to be hit with the Round Up.

Church

What is church? Who is church? It has taken many faces over time. We left our church after 10 years. Why? I'm not use I can explain it. But it kinda felt like an obligation. Randy's a great man. The people are friendly. But we didn't connect. Maybe it's us. Maybe it's just life and circumstances. Maybe it's time and the crazy things it does to people. Where is your definition God? Where is your design?

So I'm seeking but not crazy hard. We have been invited by a couple of people. But I want to be invited by God. People have agendas sometimes. It's like a movie recommendation by a friend. They got some emotion out of it that you don't get.I prefer God's agenda for my family. I'm looking for his invite. To be honest I like the break. No pressure to perform-to act like we belong, to fit a church mold. But already I have heard comments from people about us needing to be in a church. Why? We have small group where we discuss issues, pray, encourage each other. Do I need a larger body as well? Is having church and sharing God at home with my kids a bad alternative?

So God, give me a church ear filter. Tell me your thoughts. I've heard others... Where you go I'll go Lord...

Babies giving birth...

18 years ago, I saw my favorite niece as a baby, bald headed and beautiful. I just got back from seeing her as a new mommy. Taylor gave birth a week ago at 18 years of age. She looked so young when I saw her. She reminded me of herself at 12. How do I feel about babies having babies? It didn't feel right. There is no husband in her life to aid her when it gets tough, to help carry the load, to share the burdens and blessings of raising children. My sister Julie is there to help and be Grayson's Meme but that's not the same as a dad and a loving husband.
So there I was having gone home by myself for a couple days to see Grayson Jay, Taylor, and my parents. It was great and sad at the same time- kind of like seeing a depressing rainstorm and then a beautiful rainbow. Tay's life is a rainstorm. Grayson is her rainbow. I pray the beauty of the rainbow lasts and she looks at her son with the same loving eyes she had for him while I was there. Because it gets hard. No job, going to school in the fall, Grayson's dad, an immature teen himself with a girlfriend, rejection... It's going to get really hard. So I pray. God, be her God. Be who you claim to be for all of us. Be her rock. Taylor's first love. Open her eyes Father. I know you God are The Restoration specialist. Make beautiful what satan would love to claim as his own...

A Return to the Park

For years we've wanted to take the kids to Cedar Park and show them where...Jay and I first held hands...talked for hours over the creek ...and got engaged on that snowy night. Wonderful memories. Who knew we'd bring our six kids back 15+ years later?

Mia is Four

Mia had a tea party with her best friends and cousins, Johannah, Addy and Georgia. They came through the door and yelled, "Surprise!" Just in time...because she was bored and had just started doing the party crafts by herself. They weren't late, she was just...in birthday mode. The mode that I sing in my head, "It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to..."


Mia has kept me laughing this past year. I wish I could remember all the funny things she's said. Here are a couple from the last few days:
"Hot pink freaks me out!"
"Jesus died on the cross so he could give us blood and crackers..."

Mia is a joy in my life. Even before her birth she has been a blessing. In a season of sorrow...Paw's cancer and Jay's MS...her life brought me hope and mercy. God let me know He was there by giving me the beautiful gift of Mia. She is a daily gift. I love you!

A Beginning

This is a beginning. If I wait until everything is done the my record of life will begin when all the kids are giving birth to my grandbabies. Soooo I will not look to the left... where there's a stack of literature books waiting to be organized and magically turned into a highschool credit for Nate. And I won't venture into the laundry room that I'm half way through gutting....which feels so amazing. My body is tired of picking up all the trash and litter that all my blessed little ones leave behind. So I melt into the chair and enter computer world.

My dream and hope is that I can come here in the evenings and remember...a time that I can reread some inspiration. I can think about the low lights and the high lights of the day. I can record a memory. This is my favorite season of life. I feel so blessed. I want to remember..........